How a global pandemic helped me get my confidence back

When you grow up with a narcissistic parent who tells you that you can’t survive without them you don’t have a lot of self worth or confidence to work with.

Having suffered with anxiety and depression for the last decade or so I have developed a hypervigilance about anything and everything that could go wrong. Yet the idea of a global pandemic never came up.

What did come up is that I would end up homeless, broke and a variety of other scenarios that saw me stranded and alone. The idea of catastrophizing is not a new one to me. It has been my friend for a long time. Too long.

Yet I didn’t run this scenario through my head. I was fully unprepared for it. And when you have anxiety being unprepared is not something to take lightly.

When the lockdown first started I was very panicky, as many people were. I wondered how I would cope mentally with being inside for so long. For anyone with mental health problems you’ll know how important nature is for keeping and getting well.

Because I couldn’t have anticipated my survival strategy (and with anxiety you’re always building an imaginary strategy for situations that may never come to pass) it left me feeling adrift. I worried that I’d once again fall into the deep depression that, at one point in my life, had me barely able to load or unload the dishwasher. The one that robbed me of months of my life.

So I set out a plan.

I started tracking activities I wanted to do daily, along with my mood and energy levels. I got a nice hit of dopamine every time I coloured in one of the squares to prove I’d completed my activity for the day. I started to learn guitar again. I finally knitted that pair of legwarmers I’ve wanted for the last two years. Only five months too late (or seven months early if you’re an optimist). And I added more things every day that weren’t on the list. I was doing it. Really doing it.

But that wasn’t all.

I’ve started being bolder, pitching for things I’ve been scared of in the past and got my first two commissions. I work freelance and the idea of reaching out to people no longer terrifies me. I’m excited, first and foremost. Not scared.

I grew up thinking I couldn’t survive. I often looked around for someone to come save me. Turns out it was me all along.

I’m 34 years old and I have survived. I am surviving. Maybe even thriving.

I don’t know what’s on the other side of this global pandemic. All I know is that ‘normal’ is not a place we can return to. And to me, it’s not a place I even want to go. I’ve moved beyond that. I’ve seen what’s on the other side for me and it’s confidence. And I want more.